I am here to let the whole world know…..that I am a fraud! And saying that completely empowers me. These past few weeks I have been reading a book called Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can by Caroline Myss*. For quite sometime now I have been feeling that I was not being true, or authentic. I would read spiritual and self-help books, go to work shops, buy stones and crystals, watch documentaries and wonder why in the hell none of this stuff would work for me. Maybe little changes would happen but not anything drastic. While reading the above mentioned book I came to several conclusions.
1) I am a fraud. I thought I knew my true self. I thought I was a spiritual person. I thought I was mostly healed. The truth, I am still just a terrified little girl. I had done such a great job of convincing, that I even had myself fooled.
2)I hold onto my wounds because I think that without them, there will no longer be anything special about me. Also, if I get rid of them, then I have to behave like a grown up… and actually have to deal with people’s expectations. Also I would actually have to become responsible…. and if I am responsible then I may screw up and let somebody down.
3)That buying the stones, or reading the books…etc. would change me. I was expecting the tools to do all the work for me instead of them helping me do the work myself.
For a long time I would use the excuse that me and meditation don’t get along. The truth is that I didn’t want to be alone with my mind, because I didn’t want to see the truth. I go to the gym, but never commit to an exercise plan because then I may become healthy. I would read self-help and spiritual books, and do the work in my mind, but never actually do the work because I didn’t want to get better.
Being depressed was one of the scariest times of my life, and I never want to go back there, so I do just enough work on myself to get myself to ok. But, I would never do enough to be great, because being great was just as scary as being depressed. Some people yo-yo diet…well I yo-yo self-help myself…. do work on myself until I just started to feel great. Then…uh-ohs……. can’t be great, have to stop and go back to sitting on the computer all day. Then I would sit around and do pretty much nothing until I started to feel depression starting to set in. Then it would be …..uh-ohs….. can’t be depressed, got to get up and do something. I bounce back and forth between the two endlessly.
Now that I have admitted to myself that I am a fraud, I feel this tremendous weight lifted off of me, like I can finally breathe again. Now that I know what is truly inside of me, I feel that I can take the steps needed to a genuine authentic life. I am finally no longer afraid to walk my talk.
*To the best of my recollection, Caroline Myss does not actually call people frauds in her book. That is just my own personal conclusion about me.